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tHE FiRST (UnOfFiCiAL) D J   R O B faN cLub gALLerY mEmberSHiP iNTeRVieWS Yeay! Yeay! Yeay! DJ Rob is da bomb. Isn't he dreamy? Now, I don't actually KNOW DJ Rob, so don't write to me asking how to get in touch with him. But you can send me *eMail* and I'll write you back what I THINK DJ Rob would say. Current TF(u)DJRFC Members: 1 gALLerY Now, technically, I didn't actually get into the show (his tour was called "Smith Family Reunion"). But I hung around and got some great pictures! Line Outside His Last Concert - I wanted to go SOOOOOO badly, but I couldn't find a parking space. So I snuck around the show and left my hazard lights going. DJ ROb's brother, Fatboy Fat - He makes food for the whole crew. He slapped my wrist when I went for a cheeseburger. (But he didn't see me when I stole a hot dog that fell on the ground - ha HA, Fatboy Fat!) The Boyz - DJ Rob and his crew grabbin' a brew after the slammin' show. (I stayed by the car and could hear it from outside.) Just the beginning of one of DJ Rob's infamous orgies. Man ... I wish I was a groupie. Lucky Bastards - Some of the lucky bastards who actually got IN to the show. I wanted to kick their asses. They kept going ON and ON about how sexy DJ Rob is, how great the music was, how weird I was, why was I asking so many questions, why did I have a pink tutu on ... They were SOOOOOO annoying!! Roadie - Man, those guys have SO MUCH FUN! I'm so JEALOUS! mEmberSHiP I know that not everyone has the time or financial backing to follow around their favorite entertainer as he tours the midwest, and that is why I am willing to do it for you. I will bring the DJ Rob experience as close to home as it can get, through pictures and interviews, and the essential DJ Rob fan fun kit! For only $50 a month!!! The Kit includes the following: * DJ R0b's favorite cole slaw recipe I got from his senile Aunt Sadie * Beard trimmings I stole out of the sink * A floppy disk with my midi renderings of DJ R0b classics * A gold-stickered certificate naming you a fazzunibulous DJ Rob fan, signed by yours truly, PRESIDENT of the FIRST (unofficial) DJ ROB FAN CLUB! So, if you want to join, send a personal check for $50 to DJ R0b Fanz, P.O. Box 35 762 (That spells "DJ Rob" on the phone!), Long Island, NY 100000. I'll send out your kit the next day. (I have 25 ready to go right now!) iNTeRVieWS OK, so, I only have one interview so far that I scored at his last concert. I saw his second cousin Carl out the back door smoking. Q: Carl, right? I saw a picture of you in your Aunt Sadie's album. She told me that you used to pee in the bed. Carl: What? Q: Aren't you DJ Rob's second cousin Carl? Carl: I used to be Carl... I'm known as GRENDEL. Q: Grendel? Is that your stage name for when you perform with DJ ROb? Carl: What exactly passes for entertainment in your world? I do NOT perform with that embarassment. Q: Um ... OK. Party pooper. So what's it like to be related to DJ Rob? Carl: This is the first time I've ever met "DJ Rob" so you could answer that question yourself and never know the difference. Q: You mean you're related to that musical genuis and you're not dying to learn all the secrets to do how he spins that phat shit that he does? Carl: What secret? As far as I can tell, he took an old refridgerator box, covered it in construction paper, and hid a cd player/turn table inside. And his "phat shit" is the demo mode from an old electronic keyboard, and samplings from Journey and Hall and Oats. Q: What are you talking about? That stuff is SO original! I've never heard anything like it! Carl: Of course you haven't. Only my mother's semi retarded cousin wouldn't be embarassed to not only put that trash together, but to want his name all over it. Were you aware of his head injury as a child? We got to hear about it "between sets." Q: Head injury? Carl: Have you been here at all? When he was 12, he was playing "the little league" and DJ Rob was at bat. Scabby Joe, his arch enemy, was pitching. Scabby Joe had it in for DJ Rob, and every pitch was aimed straight for the head. You have to remember, this was a long time ago, and there wasn't such a thing as "walking" in baseball. You kept getting pitched at until you hit the ball or struck out. DJ Rob should have just swung the bat, but he got pummled 5 times in the head. Got knocked cold for three years. When he finally came to, he didn't remember how to count or read, but he did have a vision of the "future" of music. Q: Look, Gretel, I just want to know what you think of DJ Rob's music. Carl: Grendel. I'm not exactly a fan of music that makes Britney Spears sound innovative. And, uh, for the record, I don't know what her music sounds like, I don't listen to it ever, or anything. Q: Whatever. Do you get his albums for free? Carl: He actually makes albums of that crap? Q: Sure! Well, he's made one. More of a mix tape really. Carl: How many copies did he make? Q: I don't know. What do I look like? His biggest fan or something? Please! Carl: Right. You're a diehard (as hard as it is to believe they exist) trying to pass yourself off as an impartial reporter. You're probably not even taking this back to a news source or anything. I bet if I do a search, I'll find this all on some loser's website. Q: Oh really. Shows what you know. Teen Beat offered me a free subscription last week and there was a special offer. I think I know what that offer is. Carl: Oh, blow me. Carl's mom ran up, yelled at him, slapped him, and dragged him away by the ear, which signaled the end of the interview. Thank you to Eleanor for her help and making me fall off my chair laughing. And, for the record, the man who is DJ Rob looks like an adorable grandpa whose family probably loves him much. I love you DJ Rob, wherever you are.