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Inspired by Matt from X-Entertainment, we shamefully present ... Justin Timberlake Goes to Vermont - Caryn and Heather  Justin: Goddamn that Britney Spears. Waking me up in the middle of the night, 'Justin, I want pickles. Justin, I want ice cream.' I'm getting sick of it. And I can't even send my personal assistant to get the ice cream. She says I gotta haul my superstar ass all the way to the Ben & Jerry's factory in Vermont to get it if I ever want any chance to have sex with her.  Justin: I hope she appreciates this. I mean, she's got great T&A, but I'm not sure it's worth all this. Does she have any idea how hard it is to pump gas when you're only 11 inches tall? I knew I should have pulled into the Full Service lane ...  Justin: A tour??? Goddamit. I've been traipsing around the globe touring for months -- to promote my new CD Celebrity, which is available now in record stores worldwide -- and now I have to go on an ice cream tour in Vermont. This fucking blows. Britney won't even have sex with me ... except that one time when we got sooooooo close and then her publicist burst into the room and beat my naked ass out of the hotel suite -- Why the hell am I doing this? Maybe I could at least get laid while I'm here in Vermont.  Justin: Hey baby. Let's blow off this tour and go back to my hotel. Nora: Shush. I'm trying to watch the movie. Wow, Ben and Jerry took a $5 ice cream making correspondence course. Amazing! Justin: Hello??? I'm Justin Timberlake! International sex symbol and fantasy of millions of women! Multi-millionaire pop star extrordinaire! I'm giving you the opportunity that droves of horney women -- and gay men -- dream about! Let's go ... I've got condoms. Nora: Quiet. I just missed the secret recipe to Chunky Monkey. Thanks a lot, buddy. Justin: Are you even listening to me??? Nora: What did you say? Justin: Never mind.  Justin: Bleeeeeech ... Nora: That smells nasty. Justin: No one touch the new Grain 'n' Drain ice cream, whole grain oats and cinnamon in citrus margarita-flavored ice cream with chunks of real salt. I can't believe Britney likes this ass-flavored crap. She's been having some really weird cravings lately. Come to think of it, she's been puking every morning too ... Must be from eating this shit. Nora: Here, have some of my Strawberry Kiwi smoothie. I don't want any more anyway. Justin: I have no shot at getting you into bed now, do I? Nora: Um, no.   Justin: Wheeeeeee! That margarita's really kickin' in now! It's gonna be me!  Justin: Sigh. This is so lame. Cow viewing? Flavor graveyard? This is a far cry from the way I usually spend my days ... orgies with Destiny's Child, blowing lines with Carson Daley, drag racing with Charlie Sheen. Well, it ain't no MTV press conference, but I'll see if I can score any chicks at the photo op.  Justin: Yo ... I'm Justin, you know, Timberlake, from *N SYNC ... Wanna bust outta this ice cream stand and go screw behind that cow over there? Heather: Don't you have a girlfriend? Justin: Who? Britney Spears? Hells no. She won't even have sex with me. Come on, let's go ... I've got condoms. Heather: See, Justin, I'm a quality girl with a great love for animals, respect for the elderly and a highly developed sense of irony, which you can't even appreciate since all you're worried about are my boobs. Why don't you try gettin' in my head instead of into my pants? Besides, I don't like your hair. It reminds me of the Great Barrier Reef. No amount of oatmeal margarita ice cream is going to make you look any more appealing. Justin: What are you trying to say? Heather: I will not have sex with you. I have more self-respect than to just flee an ice-cream factory with a pop singer to have sex on a muddy hill in Vermont. The only thing that could possibly turn me on at this point would be if you had nipples the size of Texas.  Heather: Gasp!!! ... Your hotel or mine? Justin: In all of creation, all things great and small, you are the one the one that surpasses them all... Heather: Yeah, yeah, you sing. Now quiet and get down to business, titty boy. 8 Hours Later ...  Heather: That ... was ... amazing. I have so much more respect for boy bands now. <ring ring ring> Justin: [picks up phone] Hello? 
 Britney: Justin, sweetie? Where's my ice cream? Justin: Oh, Britney? Hi! Um, ice cream, yeah. You know, they were all out of Grain 'n' Drain, sorry baby. Heather: Justin ... bring those tea-saucer nipples back to bed ... Britney: Who was that??? Justin: No one, my sugar-sweet pop-princess. It was just, um, the maid coming in to, uh, fluff my pillows. Britney: Oh. Well, there are only two places to get Grain 'n' Drain: the Feed 'n' Seed in Kentwood, Louisiana, and the Ben & Jerry's factory in Vermont. So, unless you're planning on taking a trip to the bayou anytime soon, you better get your ass over to that factory and get me some -- unless you want my baby to starve!!! Justin: What baby? Britney: Oops ... I did it again. I cheated on you. You remember Floyd? Mama's cousin? The one with three teeth and one nut? Justin: But I have all my teeth, two nuts and three platinum albums! Didn't all those years on the Mickey Mouse Club together mean anything to you? Britney: Nope. Toodles.  Justin: My life is over. My pop-princess girlfriend has been knocked up by another man. The lighting at the Holiday Inn is terrible for me. And Heather was right -- My hair does look like coral. It's time to end it all ... This colossal bottle of Advil won't cut it. Later, at the Resevoir ...  Justin: Goodbye cruel world! I just can't go on any longer ... I'm going to throw my body off this dam and into this peaceful lake where my adoring fans below will have to fish out my body and mourn over the loss of my talent. ... Hey! Who are you? What are you doing? Can't you see I'm trying to commit suicide here?!?! Heather's fiance? Look, man! She didn't mean anything to me! You have really small nipples ... Hey! Don't! Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!   Justin: Groan. No dramatic suicide, no pop-princess ... and now my cell phone's busted. I'll never be able to ... Hmmm ... I wonder if it's possible to have sex with a rock ... I've got condoms.  AIM: SeeSolly and HLH5 Tell us how dumb this was. |
 John & Eleanor  Heather & Nora  Caryn I escaped being photographed on the digicam the whole trip ... muahahaha |